I'm sharing this because I want to remind myself of where I have come from and the journey I took to get to where I am today. Even as I embark on this self-love journey and overall health, I need to remember that experience builds character. I hope this can connect with other people and help you know that yes, time will and can get tough, but you will survive. Just keep swimming!
Diary entry from exactly a year ago,
"Today, I looked in the mirror, and I hate the person I HAVE BECOME. Merely a shadow of what used to be a beautiful and innocent child, who oozed love for all people. A child who was going to grow into this thriving and confident being. A leader who would be an example for other people and be a framework of success to many. The person people look up to and wish to emulate.
I used to love doing things, being adventurous and exploring new ventures, but I feel trapped. Trapped in a room with no doors or windows, and the walls are covered with blood. Blood from the number of times I said no and apologies for not wanting to cooperate. Blood from the tears I shed at night when no one is watching. Blood from the smiled I forces, and the fake tells you to make it mentality I have adopted to cope with things the way they are.
I look the devil in the eye and can't understand why people don't see what I see...
All I SEE is a skeleton hanging on to a memory, and I hope that the one I see looking back at me is not the problem. That she is still in control and always ways. I was smiling on the outside but in constant denial of the feelings that guard my heart and prevent me from feeling. Why can no-one see the pain behind the smile or the fear behind my infections laugh? Why don't they hear me cry for help, literary spiralling out of control before them, yet they are all oblivious to this situation. Why did no-one tell me this would happen?
Who is she who stares back at me from the other side of the mirror? I don't know her anymore..."
April 19th, 2017