"I hate commitment, I hate accountability, I’m not reliable, I suck at communication, I’m a 911 kind of friend (I’m usually only available when it’s an emergency) and most importantly, I don’t do feelings…"
Things I say all the time, and if you’ve known me long enough, you’ve probably heard me say at least one, if not all of the above statements. That’s because I want to prepare you, so you are not disappointed when I bail on you two days before a party or I can’t come and study today. It probably also explains why I can’t always reply to people on time or sometimes at all or can’t pick up the call when you try and call me. It explains why I can go off the grid for weeks on end and no feel the need to communicate that to people beforehand.
Now I sound like a straight-up b#tch, but I promise I’m not. A couple of days ago, I really didn't think there was anything wrong with what I did or said. I always assumed everyone didn't understand me. People just needed to accept me for who I am. Besides, it would be for their own good, so really, I was an amazing friend by preparing them for the worst-case scenario. I thought it was normal to be that friend that doesn't do feelings and is notorious for sucking at the commitment of any form or nature (pray for me, you'll). I mean, that would be okay if that was my actual character but that not who I am. Looking back at the last couple of years, I realize something changed in me. With all this, one has to wonder how did we get here? Maybe it would be necessary for me to backtrack and tell you a little about my story, so you can understand why my reasoning.
Growing up, I was pretty much always in the minority. With some of my earliest memories of my black grade school teacher harassing me and developing a fear so great any time an adult yelled, I would literally pee myself (TMI, but it’s the truth). I mean, I have a section of my younger years that I completely have no recollection of at all (during which I went for therapy). From a young age, I remember always feeling like I needed to protect myself or, worse, prove myself to everyone. Both of these extremes have defiantly had a part to play in who I am today and some for the decisions I have made in the last couple of years. The overachiever, the perfectionist, the doubter, the workaholic, the kiss-ass and the fake it till you make it mentality. Honestly, I feel like I might make a video about it on my YouTube channel.
Until today I had not noticed that all these things that come from my past have somehow crept into my present, having the potential to affect my future. I mean, think about it, how many of us do things every day because we are trying to prove to that teacher that you can do it, or your parents that you are good enough. Take a moment and really reflect on that and think about where you are today and what the decisions and experiences are that folded you to be that person you are today. It is so easy to forget sometimes that we are social and emotional beings that crave love and want attention and to feel valued, but we need to remember that sometimes you can't please everyone, and that's okay. Always do you boo.
I'm a strong believer in the idea that we all have a purpose in life, and we all have a road that was planned for us to go through. It’s a road filled with hills and valleys, not forgetting the seasons that are sprinkled in there by Mother Nature. Sometimes we fall off the road, but we are forced to learn a lesson from that experience that will equip us for the future. The important thing is what you do when you hit rock bottom. You choose to grow from the experience or crack under pressure and simmer like a beef stew in that situation. You make that choice; no-one can force you to move or drag you along cause we all have a journey to tackle.
I don't want this to be too long, but in conclusion, I want you to reflect on your own life. Just think about why you do the things that you do. Are you happy? Some of the most innovative ideas come from people in the worst places in their lives. It's okay not to be okay; you just need to be aware when you aren't okay.
Declaration of the day: Today I choose Growth, I choose Life, I choose Forgiveness, I choose Healing, I choose ME.